“be yourself- not your idea of what you think somebody else's idea of yourself should be.”
Not completely sure of what to say, she sat, motionless, waiting for inspiration. How is there so much good stuff going on up here but I can’t get a single sentence on a page? Where is this “block”? Do I lack direction? Motivation? Discipline? What is it that is blocking me from the life of my dreams? These are big questions to ask, only one cup of coffee in, this morning. After a weekend of sobriety and bed times, Mondays were no more easy that they were for the next guy. Where does this come from? Is it truly just a socially constructed group-learned concept? No, she’s sure, it has to be deeper than that, something to do with numerology or chemistry or something. Anyway, that wasn’t what she was really thinking about any how. Today, she was more consumed by the task at hand but she was still waiting for that dang guy, Inspiration, to come by. They had never really been friends, Inspiration and her. He often stayed away too long and was never there when she needed him. His lack of commitment made her fear addiction or worse, delusion. Delusions of grandeur and self-importance where signs of a true problem. What was his problem? She was a nice enough girl.; she dotted her “i”s and crossed her “t”s. How is a girl suppose to get along in this world, any how? There was no directions no map or even empirically proven “right way.” It is hard to know which road is the right one and if there are even roads around in the first place. Such a porous land, nothing like Nebraska. Nebraska had always treated her right, tucked her in and taken care of her. Like falling asleep beneath a blanket of space, covered by the cosmos, head tucked into earth; such a feeling. That was where they had met, Inspiration was moving two herds of cattle North for the poor weather and stumbled upon the girl. The little, naive, tender girl. With her head in the ground and her feet on the clouds, she was perfect, they perfect vessel to carry this much needed mission. They had been waiting, praying, for a child like this. A small body, so large inside, with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair; firmly rooted in higher things. Things beyond her time, her space, her dimension. Knowing the grandeur order of things took an acceptance of the impermanence of things, places, people. It took patience and, like many/ none before her, this was not something she had in spades. The feelings were great in this one and to fulfill her eternal mission in the time space she had been manifest in would be an, at times, unbearable task.
Belief in nothing, yet faith in everything.
The presence of everyone but the company of no one.
All encompassed, infinitely alone.
The invention of the inter-webs would provide a resource and life line for her and many like her but she will not know why. She wouldn’t know a lot and it needed to be that way, more room left for feeling and feeling would be the most important part.
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