Mantra

Ever since I got back from Bali, I have been trying to sit and meditate every day using my new mala beads. I have noticed so many wonderful side effects. Though I must admit, it had been starting to fall away, as all things do when you are trying to make a new habit (especially good ones it seems!) I actually got out of the habit of doing it at night before bed because I felt that the Shakti energy it awakened was so strong that it was actually keeping me awake, true story! Anyway, after messing up my ankle at the Lulu sale, I have been needing allllll the energy I can get! It's not the injury, it's the crutches!!!! AHH!! SO FRUSTRATING!!! Everything hurts, my arm pits, hands, arms, from using them for only 2 days! Makes me want to not get out of bed! And worse, because of the injury, I feel like I am justified in this feeling. SO I rolled out of bed today, in a funk, and just rolled right onto the floor (literally) grabbed my mala beads and didn't move til I had recited the Ganesha Mantra 108 times. And some very interesting things came up. I decided to couple it with a visualization of what I wanted to bring into my life: me standing in tree pose on my left foot, proud, strong, pain free! As I brought this visualization into being, I found the deepest recesses of my mind fighting AGAINST it! I was so confused! Didn't I believe I was going to get better?? Didn't I WANT to get better?? My head was saying NO and I was very confused about it, still am actually. Why is this true? Why does the mind fight against something it knows it wants? And is best for the body?? Is this the same thing that "makes" me eat when I know I am not hungry or shouldn't be eating that item to accomplish my health goals? Seems like they come from a very similar place. Where does this tendency come from? Is it something I have developed because I believe I don't deserve the best? Or the best shouldn't/doesn't/can't happen to me??
Without knowing the answers to these questions, yet. I think that the best course of action is to continue in mediation and visualization until the answers present themselves or the habit changes.
Until my mantra (helps me) remove my obstacles <3